" What purpose do the really old people have in this world "?
It has been over a year since Dad died, which also marks how long Mom has been in Parc Provence memory care. I have heard the echoes of this teenager's question many times since.
I see the disease of dementia every day as I punch in codes to unlock the two doors to visit my aging Mama. She still knows me and smiles and waves as I enter the second sealed door to her household dining room.
She has trouble feeding herself but is persistent with her fork, that she insists on using for everything...even her melted ice-cream. Her hand shakes and she dribbles her food and saliva down her blouse all while trying to wipe her dripping nose. Her posture for even seeing and then swallowing her food is so compromised they have recently added a drug store neck brace and all pureed food to aid her in both.
As I ask about her day her few uttered words are nearly a whisper of her once familiar soothing voice; she has little wind to force her sound to spill out. Conversation with her is nearly gone. If I ask her questions like,
"Did Dad like cars"?
she answers with a definitive
" Yes "
and there was that time I asked her if dad was a good kisser and she declared
" No "
She still knows the real stuff.
When I leave her she grabs me tight and kisses me with her wet lips and says,
" I sure love you"
I am her child again.
I leave and promise her I will come to see her the next day and all the days after that.
When this schedule first began I reminded myself that I was doing what dad would want me to do. But recently my self-congratulating thoughts have shifted to serious questions; Am I here for her or is she here for me? Who is strengthening who?
Granted I feel better every time I see her but, ya know, I've known her my whole life and she's my Mom. Am I feeling something that grows out of my memories of her that fill in the cracks left by her disease?
Maybe.
Nurse Cyndy Peterson tells me that as each tenant enters the dining area for meals, Mom hits the table she is seated at and when people look at her she stops and smiles brightly. I've actually seen this smile without the table banging. Her whole face is bright, and most of the light is in her eyes. Mom is making a clear decision to make someone feel seen, loved even.
When CNA Patty comes into her room Mom recognizes her and sends her a barrage of air kisses. If Patty approaches her she gets the kisses on her cheek. Patty always smiles. I see the love there too.
Sylvia, a household member, deals with anxiousness each night when she hits that difficult sundowning phase. Sylvia pretends she can't walk and wails for attention. Sylvia approaches caretakers with a sobbing voice or demanding screams; why am I here?! , where is my son!!? and who do I need to pay to take care of the services so I can leave?!!
Mom takes the fear out of Sylvia. In the midst of one of her tantrums, if Mom can get her attention, Sylvia settles immediately. The nurses have noticed too and I know why they place Sylvia in my Mother's dining area.
The more I payed attention the more evidence was revealed ; there's front desk Julie and other residents and caretakers who thank Mom for her piano music that fills the small household called Park View. There are the ladies from my ward who offer to visit her while I'm out of town and want to keep going when I return. There's the stranger I met at Jackman's fabrics who knows Mom and shared all the ways my Mom cared for her. And then the Stake YW president who was in Mom's ward 25 years ago who said Mom would bring stickers for her kids or help this young mom when her hands were full in Sacrament meeting.
Despite my prayers that Mom be relieved of this life, to join my Dad and many people there who love her, I know she is still here for a reason; she has tremendous purpose. I have learned and been changed by her continuing effort to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who need comfort. She may have forgotten something that occurred 15 seconds earlier but she still knows who she is and what she wants to be when she does finally return.
it should be noted here that when I asked her if she wanted to sing, she immediately broke into the chorus of LOVE AT HOME (this was a first since her go-to is usually Blue Skies)
